I looked like this:
The second one I took a few days ago. It’s unbelievable to see the changes that I’ve made. It seems like much longer ago that I looked like that, but at the same time also still feel like I look like that today!
Do you ever give yourself a social coma intentionally?
I was an early adopter of Facebook. I jumped from MySpace to Facebook during the months when all you did was poke your friends and send them badges. I really didn’t know what else to do with it! Eventually, I became one of the addicted ones. I had it on my phone, my iPad and would check it religiously throughout the day whenever I needed, what I call, a brain break (a 15 second vacation from the myriad of issues that arise at work or home), during my work breaks, in the car while Bradley drove… I was into it. Seriously.
A few weeks ago, maybe even more than a month ago, I went off Facebook. It started with a request post I made asking for a donation. Initially, tons of people pledged things to me, and after several days of trying to use Facebook to message people (messaging was being difficult) who were unable to locate said promised items I just got overwhelmed (not all people flaked, but I became the biggest flake when I abruptly went offline in that community). I found myself dreading going on Facebook. When there was a notification, my heart would beat wildly and I would start panicking and fostering a nice, juicy anxiety/panic attack. After a while, I wondered why I was continuing to participate in a system that was causing me so much stress. So I stopped, cold turkey.
At first, it was difficult to stop it- the habit of always checking in, of having that instant feedback, of having my ego massaged, making my connections- that was hard to change. I also realized that I’m not really cutting anyone I know off- most everyone who knows me visits me here and we keep in touch via text. We’re all good, right? I found interesting things to do, and I can say I have only been on Facebook twice since stopping. Once, to contact a friend who, otherwise, is practically impossible to talk to, and another time when I needed to cyber stalk someone. Don’t give me that dirty look; we all do it! The result has been, however, a feeling of peace. It’s amazing how cutting that one thing out of my life made me feel a little better. It was one drop removed from my bowl of crazy right now…
I can’t go into it all, but my job is super tricky this year and it’s causing me massive stress. Sleep is a challenge, happiness is a challenge and I’m finding that life, in general, is becoming a huge challenge. It is a celebration when I get through a day without crying out of frustration and stress. It’s been a really hard year and it is taking its toll. Oh my goodness, is it ever.
The last few days I’ve just kind of taken a vacation from social and diet stuff. Taking Facebook off of the menu was a great idea, but I’m a busy girl. I have a couple of blogs, I’m working out all the time, I’m being a mom, I’m saying “No!” to food often… And I’m worn out. Yesterday I ate my lunch. The whole thing. Even the bread and butter. (Bradley always packs me a big lunch. Way more food than I want/need. He’s my little Italian grandma who worries about how much I eat! LOL!) Today, I did it again. I ate my whole lunch and ten Mike and Ike’s. And I don’t even like Mike and Ike’s! I didn’t meet my diet bet and forfeited 15 smackaroos (my final was 209, blah) and I just want a break from it all. Is it strange that I categorize and keep track of all this stuff? Absolutely, but have been doing this for sooooooo long now in earnest! It has been a year of super hard diligent work, but I’ve been dieting for three-four years now….
It’s all adding up to be too much for me right now.
Bradley is sick. He has some weird, low-grade fever that has made his body its home for the past few days. He’s laying low and, as a result, the rest of us are too. What a better day to make a project of, eh? So here you have it, a day in the life of Tamara Shazam!
Breakfast was breakfast burritos (one serving= about 1.3 eggs, one Morningstar vegetarian sausage, one tortilla (I usually eat a bout 2/3 of one), a little cheese and as much salsa as will fit in there. I’m obsessed with salsa lately. Obsessed. I want it on everything. I never thought I’d be that guy!
I went for a nice run after breakfast. I was impressed that I hit the streets before 10:00AM. My miles averaged out to tens. I’ve gotten a lot slower, but today felt cleaner than yesterday. I got my heart into the 150′s and 160′s again. I really pushed myself on the hills and felt like a powerful runner again. It was really nice.
I needed to go to Target. So I did. I was all excited to have some time to meander by myself, but I found myself rushing and irritated, anxious to get back to my family. I missed our chatter. I missed my man. I love being with him.
I bought two of these pictured things, looked admiringly at one, and one of these pictures is an attempt to show the falling snow. It was so sparse that it was hard to catch on film, but believe me, it was falling.
I share this picture because of my iPad apparatus. Showering is not just a method of getting clean for me- oh no. I enjoy showering more like a hobby, and while I’m enjoying my hobby, sometimes I watch tv, read articles online, check my email, listen to music or write for this website.
I remembered that today is March 1st, and looked at my goals. I wanted to finish my Hawaii track and get to the next level on the Grand Canyon for the altitude challenge. I totally met both of my goals! Yahoo! That tells me that I did a good job of sticking with exercise throughout February!
I went running today!
Man, it felt good. I haven’t done a tremendous amount of running this month (cold, wet, YUCK!), so it was a little bit harder of a run than I’m used to. I’ve been working out and keeping my heart rate in the 120-130 range. Today I took my heart rate three different times, and every time it was in the 160′s or 150′s. Bradley, comparably, stayed in the 130′s. We both commented that it’s interesting how different our workouts are, even though we are doing the exact same thing.
Current workout dogma (or Jillian Michaels and a guy at work who knows a guy who…) states that you should hit a high, intense heart rate for a burst- like how you use your body in real life- and then come back down and keep doing that. Like sprints, I guess. I suppose that makes sense. After all, I lost a good amount of weight last year just pounding the pavement around and around my neighborhood as hard as I could.
My Old Navy order came today. I ordered everything in a size 16 and it all fits just perfectly. Like, just on this side of being slightly too big. That was pretty awesome! I was able to replace all of my jean skirts, finally. They have been out of my size forever and they don’t sell jean skirts anywhere except the Old Navy plus sized section online. This is to be my last one until they come in style for people under a size 16, I guess. Perhaps that is a sign that I am way out of style, but I am a dedicated jean skirt wearer and that is just a fact that the fashion world will have to deal with. It is weird to me that, in a profession where we work with small children, use paint and glue, get thrown up on, wipe noses and have to kneel, squat and get on the floor all the time, that this is a profession where we are supposed to dress like professional business people. I need something to keep me grounded! The jean skirts stay!
I’m not sure why, but the word gracious has entered my vocabulary in the last two weeks. Like, anytime something happens where you might say ‘OMG!’ or ‘crap!’ I’m heard saying, “Oh, gracious!” like some old lady or something. What is up with that?! I even had a friend from work ask me if that is what I really was saying. Yes. Yes, I am.
In case you were worried, my evaluation went well, of course. I am not sure why I get my tail all in a twist over that stuff. I really need to have a little more confidence and belief in myself and my abilities. I’m a kind, rigorous and solid teacher. Why I doubt this in the presence of others, I’ll never know. After the evaluation process ended, so did my anxiety. Imagine that.
I’m at another point in my weightloss project where I don’t recognize myself. I find myself staring in the mirror, again, trying to memorize myself. I am taking lots of selfies, again, and studying them like crazy trying to get to know me again. It’s weird. It’s a lot like when you go down a size. Like, one day those pants seemed just fine, and two days later they look terrible,baggy, gapped and awful! You look at yourself, and, all of the sudden, you can just see it. You’ve made the transition to a different size. That’s my face- I will all of the sudden just hit this place where I see it, and I look different, I get way surprised. So here’s one of the pics- smile and no smile in the exact same position. Weird, huh?
How solipsistic can I be? Ha ha!
I had all but given up on my diet bet, then I weighed myself after my run to see myself weighing in at 208.5!!! I have been hovering all around 208-209, but if I’m very careful and focused, I might be able to do it… It is possible to get to 207 by late Saturday if I do this right. We will see if I can do it! I may still be a contender!!
Gracious! That was a lot!
And then looking at it.)
Somehow I hurt my back. I mean, I think I know what did it, all the push-push-pushing to exercise like a crazy person. Did you know I have not missed more than two days in a row since right after Christmas? And I have been working out pretty hard, when I do. I’m not surprised. Today, however, I feel much better than I did yesterday. Yesterday I was, literally, five minutes away from letting my kids in from recess and a mere 15 minutes away from my principal coming in to formally observe me teach a lesson when my back suddenly went ‘TWANG!” I was standing still when it happened, not twist or tweak or anything. It just suddenly got all tight and twangy and continued to build up. I quickly took a Tylenol, knowing full well that a hurt back would be an unnecessary distraction in a high pressure situation. By the time I got home I was really feeling it and really freaked out that I was going to go down for a while, so I am ridiculously happy that I feel better today!
(The Hubs bought a tiny chocolate pudding cake and then they asked for Mama’s Special Frosting. How could I say no?! Hijinks were had with the frosting. It’s true.)
To that end, I have decided to lay off the home gym a little. I have noticed that my back tends to get a little tired when I do a lot of elliptical and stationary bicycle. I think that all the Jillian Michaels exasperated the whole thing too, but who knows? Tomorrow I am planning to go for a run. It’s ironic to me that running, of all things, seems to cause my body the least amount of stress at this point. Running is supposed to destroy you, right? How is it that it works so well for me, the Amazon? (This is a compliment as I adore Wonder Woman, the most awesome Amazon Woman of all.) I think it is time to get back outdoors. I felt all spring-like today and I kind of yearned to go out in the weather for a bit. I suppose taking quick exercise breaks is good for teaching me that I actually, really enjoy doing it.
I am not sure how the diet bet is going to go down on Saturday. I’m brewing an awesome batch of PMS, so I’m anywhere from 207-213 given the time of day and which day. I’m all over the place. I know I did well body-wise, I’m just not sure how I did fat-loss wise. My clothes are totally fitting differently and I am shrinking. I can see it, but… We will just have to wait and see what happens on Saturday, when the thing comes to a close. I am really hoping to pull an awesome number at the end. The pot is looking more and more wonderful the closer I get to losing my share!
*Title in honor of Dr. Suess’s birthday, which would have been this weekend.
Today was delightful. We woke up with big plans to go to the zoo, to go for a walk, to do all these fancy things… But we didn’t do anything. Instead, we hunkered down in our house and hung out, family style. We collectively did the Jillian Michaels Six Week Six Pack routine, then, while the kids cleaned their rooms, I did 30 minutes on the elliptical and Bradley bowlexed the heck out of his arms.
The rest of the day was spent getting ready for my work week, playing with the kids, shopping for clothes online and surfing through YouTube. I know, there are more productive ways to spend my time, but I saw some amazing spoken word poetry and decided to include a couple of my favorites…
*to be clear, I don’t necessarily find these all personally connecting, it’s more that I respect and admire when people authentically express themselves publicly and say the hard things that are scary to say aloud.*
This is, by far, my favorite TED Talk of all time. It’s hard to ask for things, but it’s important to remember that asking allows someone else to give, and the act of giving is, in and of itself, gratifying.
This guy writes about having OCD and love. I see both sides of this argument- the person who solves the complex mystery of curing a mental illness by finding ‘the one’ and the person who bears the burden of being the cure, ‘the one’.
This girl swears, just FYI. I’m no shrinking violet when it comes to swearing, but I try not to publish F-Bombs on my website. That said, there were parts of this that definitely rang true to me- walking hand in hand with my skinny boy- and parts that Really didn’t ring true. It took me until I was 37 years old to actually believe that someone could think I was pretty. All along in my marriage I just assumed that I had that great of a personality, never could he love me for my appearance as well. Self doubt is an ugly thing that plants ugly seeds.
On an interesting note, as soon as I accepted that my husband found me pretty at any weight I started losing. Isn’t that interesting?
And I can’t leave you with all those melancholy sads. This is the strangest, and simultaneously creepy/hilarious ad from Old Spice. Bradley gets the heebie jeebies from it while I can’t watch it with a straight face yet or walk around after without chortling to myself uncontrollably, and I have watched it many times.
I know, this isn’t necessarily terribly connected to weightloss, but… Whatever.
My goals this week are to work out for five out of seven days and to skip night food except tea. When I don’t munch after 7:30 or so I’m much better at losing weight.
Tonight the last words to my children were, “Goodnight! You guys are the best kids in the world and you should know I am done parenting for the night! I love you!”
Then I closed my bedroom door. I considered locking it, but then I thought about emergencies and fires and scared little kids running from the boogie man and I decided to leave it unlocked. You never know.
I’m just really tired this weekend. I love my students this year, and I often say I’d much rather have sweet, busy kids than mean, mellow ones, but this year that statement is really being tested. I’m one busy teacher with a room full of busy third graders, hopping around my classroom, teaching, sharing lots of love with these people. This past week was crazily difficult after the four day weekend, after the music performance, after the glow party… and it left my head just spinning. Cross that over with my second formal observation for the year coming up on Tuesday and you might as well smack me upside the head and prescribe a few nights of no sleep with massive worrying over what might/could/probably will go wrong. ACK! I know it will all be fine, but still, I have to worry, I suppose. And I have to over-prepare, over-plan and be as shiny as possible. So I’m tired.
Does that mean I get to stop exercising and eating smart?! NO!
What if it snows? NO!
(It actually snowed all morning and, while it didn’t stick, I wasn’t interested in running in it.)
Around 10:00 this morning I sniffed out the kind of day that was bearing down on me and I decided I had better work out before I started laminating paper, planning my week and altogether avoiding that whole working out thing.
So we did the Jillian Michaels again. Today I was not feeling it at all and really had to force myself to stick with it with actual effort after 45 minutes into a 57 minute routine. Jillian asked, towards the end, why I would do all that hard work in the beginning to finish weakly? She told me to finish strong, and I really needed to hear that right then because I busted out my best and hit it hard. I’ll admit it; I was being a little lazy for a few minutes before that. Afterwards I did a little Bowflex too, but seriously, I was not into it. Just wiped. Out.
But glad I did it, as evidenced by the pictures Bradley snapped during the cool down phase.
This weekend my goal was to eat smart and avoid gaining back anything I lost. So far I’d say I’m doing ok. My daughter made peanut butter chocolate chip cookies. If I have a weakness secondary to ice cream, it is cookies. Add peanut butter and m&m’s and I am a goner. I have eaten two cookies and one gob of dough. Considering what could have happened, I’m calling it a success!
Tomorrow, we run!
I weigh 209 right now. I’m not sure I’m going to make my diet bet. I’m not sure I care. Is that terrible?!?
I posted this then took it down in the middle of the night because I get worried about posting such immodest pictures. Unfortunately, these are the only pictures that I’m taking lately because I’m working out inside and wearing clothing that goes with that warmer, more private environment. The thing is, I don’t really worry about people seeing my body as long as they are not snarky about it. I liked these pictures because of the way my legs look.
Oh my. There was a glow party at my school last Friday.
It replaced the beloved Sock Hop- since the people who hopped in socks are now the grandparents, the sick hop was confusing. It was funny to watch the little second graders dressed up in their tie dye and hippie skirts or neon workout gear with the shoulders cut out for fifties day. Eventually we gave up and called it ‘Decades Day’ so no one was wrong and anything fit in! But I digress. The Glow Party, as the name suggests, was dark and glowy and the perfect scene for any kid looking to get wild right under their parent’s nose. And boy did they. It was mad , good time for all those little bodies!
As a relatively old person in the crowd, I couldn’t see anything! Remember- these are elementary aged children, I’m not being insulting. An 18 year old is almost elderly in that crowd. But seriously, first, it was dark, then all this dim glowy stuff was everywhere and eventually it was like there was a white, gauzy cloud shimmering in front of you. It was trippy- not the effect they were going for. I couldn’t see anyone or anything at all, and eventually just stumbled over to a wall and stood there watching for Jude. Seriously, only 40 here.
But still, for the kids? A mad success and so fun. It was epic! Were I eight, (or ten or five) I could have died a happy death that night. There was glow swag- hats, necklaces, wands and more- along with pizza, soda, tattoos and a comprehensive array of good candy. Not just the tootsie roll bag, if you know what I mean. The good stuff. My kids walked out loaded down with enough glowy goodness, gum and candy to last the ages… And, lest we forget, they had the best time shaking it.
It’s kind of fun to look at my numbers a different way. Today I was watching The Biggest Loser and they were talking about total percentage of weight lost. I got to wondering- would I be a contender?
Turns out that I wouldn’t have won anything, but 38% definitely would have put me in the running. Cool, huh?
I’m keeping it short and sweet tonight. I have a long work day in that my students are singing their little hearts out about colors to their parents so I need to turn around and head back out about now. I haven’t worked out either yesterday nor today, but I’ll catch up tomorrow. There’s a dance at my school and I’m gonna shake it!
I came home from the musical and rode e elliptical for 30 minutes and Bowflexed for 15. I’m dealing with anxiety again and really need to do everything I can to get some solid sleep tonight!
It’s been quite the weekend. The rain, OH the rain, how it fell. The wind blew a lot, so we went to the park to fly kites during the few moments the sun peeked through… Despite that I still managed to get out to run in it twice, to do the hill twice. In fact, this was a great weekend for exercise all around. My goal this weekend was to exercise like a maniac, to exercise so much that my return to work is a sore return, to exercise hard every day! I did it. My muscles ache in a satisfying way. We did Jillian workouts every day except today, I rode the elliptical every day except today and I did weights every day except today. Today I ‘only’ ran 3.6 miles including a hill with 485 feet of altitude in half a mile. That now I run halfway up. I’m that guy now. Ha ha! But I really am feeling happy that I took my fitness so seriously all weekend long. Warrior week should be good and pumped up now, thanks to this crazy, long weekend!
I’ve started using an app called, shockingly enough, Heart Rate, to track my heart rate. When I woke up this morning I was at 51, which puts me in the ‘athletic’ zone for heart-rate. Who woulda thought? While I was working out, I was between 130′s-140′s, which is the sweet spot where I want to be. It’s been fun to have a new tool to noodle around with and track my health! Sometimes it seems excessive to monitor so much, but frankly, all these toys and tools help to inform my practices and refine what I’m doing so I can be even more successful.
Tomorrow I return to school for a three day week. My kids are off all week, though, so I’ll just pretend it’s like summer and I just have to go to school for a little while to work in my classroom. That way I can feel like I am cruising on vacay for the rest of the week!