Yesterday marked the last day of the 2011-2012 school year for Gigi and me.  The end of the year is always bittersweet for me.  While I look forward to the end, to the chance to be with my family in the summer sun for two solid months, I also have a hard time saying goodbye to the year.  This year was a difficult one for me.  There was a perfect storm that when it swirled it left me shaking like a leaf, swirling higher and settling over and over, but never long enough to actually find a rhythm, to catch my breath.  Finally, I was able to let some things go towards the end of the year and found myself connecting deeply to my students and finding support in my relationships.  So while I am glad that another year can be tallied on the chalkboard, I am going to miss these people I love so much.

This year’s ending was compounded by a few key people at my school leaving.  Our librarian has the driest wit, who can see things in our staff that the rest of us are blind to, whose library I stopped walking through because I enjoyed talking with him so much that I wouldn’t leave until my planning time was over, he retired.  I’m going to miss him terribly.  Our staff psychologist, the one who was not only there for many students in times of need but also was there for me, who is one of the biggest child advocates who I have ever met, who reminds me more of Mr. Rogers than anyone in the world, she retired too.  My partner in crime for MSP testing left the building, and a dear colleague of mine is transferring to another school.  She is that person who, when she chooses to share her thinking at staff meetings, makes me sit up and listen.  She’s that person who, if it was one of the rare times she chose to share her thinking, it was probably going to be something that I wanted to hear.  I’ll miss her, I’ll miss them all.  I’ll miss my kids.  I had a special group, and I know I say that every year, but we got really close again and every year it kills me to say goodbye to them all.  Especially the ones who are moving away.  I had an intern all year long and boy, did we ever become close.   She was reliable as a friend and colleague…

Perhaps the most difficult to bear this year is that I drove my daughter to and from the school we shared for the last time yesterday.  Next year she will go to our neighborhood school while I continue to teach at Hilltop.  It shouldn’t seem like a big deal.  Most people don’t get to work where their family spends their days, but every day we had our little touch points.  Sometimes it was hard to get there on time, but almost every day I got to hold her hand as I walked her into the building and to her line where I would kiss her before I left her.  Each first and last recess, for most of the year, she would bring her pals into my room where I got to watch her being a little girl with her friends.  I learned who they admired, about their games, their interactions and I learned who my daughter is as a friend (she’s a good one, if you were wondering).  At lunch we would cross paths for a quick smootch as I was walking my students into the gym and she was headed to recess and at the end of the day she would come to me and hold my hand as my students left with their families, then it was just the two of us in my classroom.  She would do homework, I would get some stuff done, then we would leave, hand in hand, to see our boys.  I tried to treasure that time enough but, my goodness, I am going to miss that girl.  There were times I needed a hug from someone I loved and she was there.  And it was wonderful to see her onstage for every little thing, to hear the stories about her from my colleagues, to capture a glimpse of her schoolwork adorning the halls, and spy her long tresses here, there and everywhere.   Oh my, I am going to miss her.  Terribly.  It makes my heart ache with sadness.  And I second guess, over and over, if we are doing the right thing by taking this little, short window of magic where we can share a school away from my daughter and me.

So that’s the bitter.

Here’s the sweet.

I’ll start with my Gigi.  Friendship is really hard for little kids these days.  I remember when a new little boy moved in across the street when I was about five.  I hollered, “HI!”  He hollered back at me, “HI!”  We did that back and forth a few times, learning names and other basics before my dad told me to scram and get over there already, to stop hollering.  Friendship was born and I still keep tabs on that kid.  I think he’s a doctor now.  Or a cop.  Anyhow, the point is that it was simple and easy.  Friendship for children does not work that way anymore.  My generation rebelled against the latch key nature of our upbringing in wild neighborhoods where kids ruled and roamed free by becoming helicopter parents who need clear beginning and end times to playdates and who want to hang out and chat while the kids play.  Kids don’t roam the streets anymore.  If they are outside, it is with a parent on a planned activity or securely behind a fence.  We can’t meet kids in our area so she is isolated here.  It is also hard for people to drive 20 minutes to our house from Hilltop versus having friends who live closer.  Economy of fuel, money and time keep a lot of kids away, and people don’t invite her over very often.  She’s lonely and wants to play with someone besides her 4 year old brother.  Who can blame her?  So we arrived at this decision together, to go to a school where she can make local friends.  In the future, her transition to middle school will be easier with a support group that she can, hopefully, build with her peers at this school.  In another year, Jude will go to the same school, Bradley can walk them to and from AND volunteer easily.  It all makes so much sense.  And it will get easier over time.

My passion is returning.  It’s funny to think that the house, this wonderful place, built with so much love and care by my husband, grounded in generations of family heritage, this house could have thrown us into such a tailspin.  At first we thought recovering from building the house meant recovering from physical injuries that Bradley sustained during the process.  Certainly, that has been an ongoing part, but what has been truly significant is coming to terms with who we are as a couple, as the Lj’s. Planning and building the house while raising a young family, working and doing the boards was a lot to take on and it took its toll.  I won’t go into details, but Bradley and I had to reconnect, and when we found one another again it became an intense and deep connection.  We often refer to how we love and have always been gushy for one another, I know, but it amazes us how we continue to find ways to love more.  And we have.  As we continue to wake from this coma we’ve been in, I am re-engaging with my family as a mom in a beautiful way again, I am doing all my artsy craftsy stuff again, I’m writing, organizing AND BECOMING PASSIONATE ABOUT TEACHING AGAIN.  I’ve been passionate, but I am re-engaging again in that initial crush, like OMG-must-look-at-pinterest-for-more-awesome-teaching-ideas-LOVE-IT…  Yeah, I’m one of THOSE teachers right now.  To be clear, though, my inner dialogue does not sound like a valley girl.  I just left one year behind but am already planning my next one.  Right now, I am excited about it and I am letting myself be a whirling dervish of education excitement.  And pinning on pinterest does make me feel like I’m doing something.  Ha ha!  But still, I’m having fun with my work in a way that I haven’t in a little while.  It feels GOOD.

While I had to say goodbye to my colleagues, there was a benefit to me, personally, when my friend left her grade level: it opened an opportunity for me to work on a grade level team with people I have admired for years.  I’m terribly excited about the work we will get to do together and the relationships I get to build with them.  For years I said I wanted to work with the third grade team, I taught splits to facilitate an ongoing colleague relationship with these amazing teachers, and now I get to do it for real!  While I didn’t leave my school, I do feel like I am getting a fresh start.  I have a new team, a new classroom and semi-new grade level, I also have the comfort of a familar staff, it’s the same building and the biggest bonus is that I’ll be working with Gigi’s cohort, so they are kids I know.  I’m tremendously excited!

And then, it is summer.  People can complain about the weather all they want.   Yeah, I’d like to see the sun too.  That would be ideal.  But for me, it all boils down to spending time with the three best people in the world, rain or shine, indoors or out, wet or dry.  That is the sweetest of all.

 


COMMENTS / ONE COMMENT

So well written.

hannah added these pithy words on Jun 27 12 at 8:44 am