This morning I woke up and got on the scale. I was pleased to see that I’m still right around 210- I’m hitting 209-213 regularly lately- but as I stepped off the scale I just felt drained of the whole thing. There comes a point in any project that you feel done but aren’t done. I’m kinda there now. I ‘only’ have 40 more pounds to go until I am officially done, but I want to be done now. I’m sort of over it while also not being over it.
So as I was sitting there, whining about it in my head, it occurred to me that this is to be my life. Maintenance just means being consistently careful about what I eat, exercising regularly and not allowing myself to slide down that slippery slope to bad habits. My life will be this project. Maintaining my weight will not be easy, glamorous or exciting. It will just be me, weighing around 170 or so. I think it was really good to come to that realization. Perhaps I need to embrace this as my future- food won’t be so exciting when it just is. And really, shouldn’t the place of food in my life take more of a less prioritized role? I think it should.
I took this picture as I was leaving work today. I texted it to Bradley with the caption, “Can you see how happy I am to be coming home to you tonight?!” It was a hard, hard day. Probably in my top three of most difficult days of my career, and only top three because I don’t want to discount other tough days! I want to say Hardest Day Ever, but who knows?
My workload is heavy this year and I am feeling it, trying not to fail in it, but it is seriously draining me and I need to get better about taking care of myself before I backslide into a depressed, anxious, panic state again. I can feel it creeping in and it’s freaking me out. However, I’m grateful that I have people around me now who I feel safe turning to, I’m thankful I have coping strategies in place now, I’m thankful for my supportive husband, I’m thankful that we have an event-free, winter break on the horizon and I’m thankful that I know myself so much better now. Already, as I’m pointing this out to myself, I’m starting to feel so much better… 🙂
You would not believe the amount of chocolate my students are giving me this year. Oh. My. Goodness.